More thoughts from the Studio... Are the baby days going away?

Taken from the following Momastery blog post: http://momastery.com/blog/2010/04/21/st-francis-and-the-sow-2/ which has been a big inspiration in my current artwork.

Lesson I'm Learning: Try to appreciate whatever you are doing, whatever experiences and stage of life you are in at the moment... it only comes once. (This was my Mom's only advice when my first child was born. It was good advice, and as I get older, I realize more and more just how true it was.)

Just thinking of how much I love being a mom, how I love my babies, how they are no longer babies, and they will never be babies again, and I likely will no longer have anymore babies... Weirdly, drawing a picture of a mother sow and piglet triggered this thought.

As I try to capture the lines and forms of this baby pig, I think...
Newborns are so skinny, fragile, and tender, no matter the species. (Actually, it's incredible how mammal newborns resemble one another; this piglet bears a striking resemblance to a laborador puppy...) I miss having my own newborns. Greta is 13 months old now and toddling all over the place, playing with other, older kids, and having her own adventures. I miss both my children as newborns, though I revel in their growth.

Each rite of passage spurs a pang of pain, no matter how longed-for and anticipated. We recently registered Kurt for 3 year-old pre-school for the fall. It's just two mornings a week, a total of 5 hours. Even though I was the one who had pushed for this ("It's educational. It's a little "break" for me, a chance to spend quality time with our 1 year-old and get a little work done..." etc.), when Jacob finally agreed, and the decision was made, I immediately felt a stab of pain in my gut. I thought, "This is it; he's starting to leave me! Next he'll be going off to college and leaving me forever...".

Ridiculous, I know. And it probably says more about my own complicated relationships with both of my parents,who live in different states, and whom I am not nearly nice enough to (Honestly, if I were my own daughter, I'd be quite disappointed with myself.), than anything else. 

Anyway, I "got over it," signed the check, and mailed the registration form. Kurt and I are both so excited for school in September; we talk about it all the time! Still, the ambivalence lingers...

I miss my babies as babies, as newborns. I wish for another baby (although my practical side says that two is enough)... I wish for one last baby.

He or she would be a "redo" baby. A chance to relive the whole magical experience, from pre-conception, to pregnancy, to labor (maybe a chance to have that magical, natural birth I dreamed of in my second pregnancy), and through all the treasured first year milestones which come so fast and furious that they're gone before you get a chance to write them down. (This time I would be prepared! I recently discovered a "Mom's line a day journal," and I  swear I would use it, unlike the half-empty baby books and scrapbooks I already own.)

I just long to savor it all and appreciate it, knowing that it is the last time. I feel robbed of this chance, as prior to conceiving Greta we had always talked about the possibility of having three, my husband being the more enthusiastic about this idea, out of the two of us. But somewhere between our older child's birth and the 20 week ultrasound for our daughter, Jacob started saying things like "Well if the second is a girl, maybe we'll just have two...". He was the one who talked me into the whole idea of having three or four to begin with, then he turns around and changes his mind? Unfair!

Still, I see his point. Kids are exhausting. Kids are expensive. Eventually we'd like to have our lives back, as individuals named "Amy" and "Jacob" instead of "Mama" and "Papa", not to mention our life as a couple. We both have other things on our Life to-do lists. If we stop with the babies now, we might just accomplish a few of them.

And yet... I long for one last baby, one last everything. One last chance to "fix" my mistakes. Of course I know that you can never really do that. But I feel like I've learned so much on this journey of motherhood, that I just want one last chance to try to use all of the knowledge I've gained from the first two rounds.

Thank you Kurt and Greta for all of the lessons learned. Maybe the best thanks would be to just let you be the two and only, sharing the throne of Mama and Papa's hearts, our best boy and best girl.

Or would an even better thanks be a new little sibling...?